Tag Archives: bad puns

Shorts

Cutie Cumpire and the Subreddit

Jasper had always had trouble getting condoms to stay on, to the point that he doubled up on contraceptives or just avoid PIV entirely. He’d never quite understood why, until his girlfriend Jenny said, “You just cum way more than normal. It’s weird.”

He’d thanked her for the insight and broken up with her shortly thereafter. And then alone on the couch in his little studio apartment, he’d gone down the search engine rabbit hole of ‘How much cum is normal’. After the strangely arousing experience of reading the Ejaculation Wikipedia page and watching a man in a black shirt burst eighteen inches into the air with clinical calmness, it was only another search and a few more clicks before Jasper ended up on r/RedditorCum.

Jasper learned two things in quick succession.

One—he definitely had what Wikipedia had called hyperspermia. A lot of these guys did too if he was eyeballing it correctly, but… he was in a totally different league. No wonder he had issues with condoms. Though Jenny had been a bitch about it, she was right. His cum volume was very, very far from normal.

Two—watching a bunch of dudes shoot their loads all over tables, floors, walls, themselves… it was way hotter than he’d expected. And maybe it was the lack of blood flow to his brain, or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t cum in the week since he’d broken up with Jenny, or maybe it was the sixteen ounces of eight percent craft beer he’d just finished, but… he wanted to post a submission of his own.

Jasper quickly spun up a new account with the username justsumdude because he was too much of a nerd to not reference his math degree in his cumshot handle, and then he went and stood in front of his dining room table with his throbbing dick in one hand and his phone ready to record in the other.

If only his future houseguests knew that he was going to absolutely cover this table in cum. And even though Jasper was normally very polite, even though he would carefully clean the table with both clorox wipes and bleach cleaner, the arousing thrill of embarrassment mixed with eagerness gave him the confidence that he needed to hit record.

Jasper had noticed that the other men on the subreddit didn’t make very much noise and he’d resolved to do the same—when in Rome, after all—but as soon as he pulled his hand down his shaft the first time, that resolve vanished and he moaned. Fuck, he was pent up.

Of course he was. It had been a whole fucking week! And then Jasper realized he was talking out loud and he maybe shouldn’t have drank all of that beer so fast, but fuck it, he could delete the post and the account if he thought better of it in the morning.

“Fuck, it’s been a whole week… I broke up with my girlfriend for a lot of reasons but it was mostly because of how she said it was weird that I cum so much… and honestly I haven’t jacked off all week because I was self-conscious… so y’all will just have to tell me what you think…”

And something about finally voicing that anxiety aloud released it, and also released Jasper’s torrential orgasm. “Oh, fuck!” The first rope landed two feet away from him, as did the second and the third. The fourth and the fifth were closer, and the rest… Jasper lost count of how many and how long, but the puddle of thick white cum under his hand grew and grew.

He didn’t stop stroking or recording because he was still dripping, but his senses returned to him. He was pretty sure that was the hardest he’d ever cum. His whole body tingled, and it would be a while longer before his erection faded.

“So uh… I’m sure I’ll delete this tomorrow, but if you see it before I do… have a good night. Sleep well and uh… all that.” Jasper stopped the recording and before he could think better of it, he uploaded and posted the video.

And though he wanted nothing more than to go collapse into bed, that was not an option quite yet. He had a much bigger mess to clean up than he’d expected.

Jasper awoke to two notifications from Reddit:

u/cutiecumpire69xxx replied to your post in r/RedditorCum 👀 💋 🥵

u/cutiecumpire69xxx followed you

Jasper had opened Reddit to delete the video, but he hadn’t actually expected anyone to comment, let alone follow him. That meant they hoped he’d post more, right?

Unless it was a bot. Jasper clicked through to the user profile, and the wall of images that greeted him bypassed his brain and jump-started his dick.

Pale skin, round breasts, pink nipples. So many shirtless pictures. Jasper scrolled. And ass and thighs and pussy. Conscious thought clawed to the front of his brain and assessed the situation. All the pictures seemed to be of the same woman—same ashy pale skin, same round breasts and plush curves, same collarbone tattoo of a bat. Her face was never in frame, though.

The pictures were posted across a variety of subreddits, all with a caption something along the lines of, show me just how much you’d cum on these cute tits. The photos were not at all professionally staged, and there were no links to an OnlyStans or anything. So the comment wasn’t from a bot or someone marketing their OnlyStans… she was probably a regular person, just like him. And she’d liked his video. And how he was staring at her naked tits.

Jasper felt suddenly like a peeping Tom—despite the fact that this woman had clearly posted these photos of her own volition—when something else in the feed caught his eye.

cutiecumpire69xxx commented on Just need to vent, my asshole coworker keeps calling me ‘mosquito’

Honestly, it’s all bullshit. Even when we’re drinking the leftover cow blood from THEIR obsession with red meat. And if you go the ‘vegan’ route, it’s asshole jocks and slut shaming all the way. Like, just because I literally need cum to survive doesn’t mean I need YOUR cum, you jackass.

Jasper blinked and then opened a new tab and searched for ‘vampire diet semen’. Sure enough, there was a WikiHow, a WebMD page, and a whole slew of listicles.

Jasper had taken a cryptid relations class as an elective in college, so he knew that even though cryptids were now legally recognized and protected and able to live in open society, things were not as sunny as the brochures liked to claim. He knew that vampires mostly fed off leftovers from the meat industry—kosher meateries especially—but he hadn’t known that cum worked just as well for them. And, given the fact that vampires were often slut-shamed for no reason other than being vampires, he certainly couldn’t blame them for keeping it quiet.

Jasper tabbed back over to the thread. He wanted to reply, wanted to say something like, ‘You’re right, it really is all bullshit. I’m sorry people are so shit.’ But then she’d know that he’d gone through her feed, and she’d know exactly what her feed was full of, and… Jasper’s cheeks heated and he closed both tabs.

He wouldn’t record himself again, but… he wouldn’t take the video down, either.

Two days later, Jasper was recording himself again. He was masturbating in the shower and just the memory of the video made his whole body tingle. Imagining what his cum would look like all over the dark tile drained the blood from his brain. The idea of getting his phone out made his balls throb. Pressing the record button set his heart racing. All he wanted was to cum that hard again.

He didn’t talk this time, he just panted and moaned and rode the wave of his arousal. With a hiss of his breath through clenched teeth, Jasper crashed onto the wall of the shower like a wave onto shore, moaning with every pulse of his throbbing cock. The thick white cum slid down the black tile in plump rivulets.

As he slowed, he angled the camera for a close-up of the last few pulses of cum oozing from his slit.

Jasper stopped the recording. With his head still floating and his inhibitions still melted by the flood of endorphins, he posted it.

He felt a little embarrassed as he put his phone away and cleaned his cum off the shower wall. But he could still always delete it later, right? But the really embarrassing thing was… he wasn’t really anxious about the video so much as whether cutiecumpire69xxx would reply.

Continued in Cutie Cumpire and the Sticky Keys

Jasper and Nora were first introduced in the standalone short, Cutie Cumpire Goes to the Movies.

You can find all of the Cutie Cumpire stories at Cutie Cumpire Story Index

Enjoying these stories? The best way to show it is to share with your friends and buy me a bubble tea! ❤️

Still hungry? You can read more Bite-Sized Stories here, or head over to The Cookie Jar to see everything, including full-length novels.

You can also follow me on Patreon, Twitter, or subscribe to the blog here:

Standard
Shorts

Professor’s Predicament (Part II)

Continued from Part I

A man’s voice, “Hey professor, I really need some extra tutor— oh.”

The warm voice, the smile lines at the eyes, the classic haircut, the knit cardigan. It wasn’t a student. It was her husband, Bradley.

He quickly shut the door behind himself and locked it.

Julia blinked. “You scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here?”

“What are you doing there?” he said.

“It was an accident.”

He surveyed her from head to toe. Her flushed cheeks, her firm nipples, her gooseflesh, her sopping wet vulva, her curled toes.

“Uh huh,” he said. “An accident.”

“Really!”

“Looks like I got here just in time, then.”

“Why are you here, though?”

“We’d planned to get lunch together, remember? I know you’re busy so I just graded papers, but then I realized if you’d forgotten to meet me you’d probably forgotten to eat altogether, so…” He lifted a bag from the college food court that he’d carried in and then set that on the desk.

Julia flushed with appreciation and renewed arousal.

Next to where he’d set the bag was a little remote, and he lifted that and considered it. “This is the part you forgot, isn’t it?”

“Yes! Can you let me out?”

“No.” Bradley’s grin curled into a kind of mischievous smirk that would have shocked his students. In the classroom, he was always so mild-mannered. Bashful, even. Not so in bed.

He set the remote back on the desk and stepped over to evaluate Julia more closely.

“You’ve gotten yourself in quite the bind, haven’t you?” he said.

“Oh god, Bradley, not the puns…”

“What are you going to do about it? You’re all trussed up and nowhere to go.”

“Bradley…”

“C’mon, don’t be tongue tied. No need to restrain yourself.”

“Shut your stupid, pretty mouth and fuck me!” Julia wiggled against the bonds as hard as she could, gasping at the increased pressure on her vulva and the tingle of electricity.

“Not yet,” Bradley said. “You know how I love a captive audience.”

Julia was too aroused to complain this time.

He leaned his face down to hers and kissed her, then bit her lip, then nibbled her ear.

Julia shivered and moaned, no longer capable of forming words.

He pressed his finger against her lips. “Shhh. Someone might hear.” And then with a cruel glint in his eye, he pinched her nipple.

She squealed with pleasure.

“Shhhh…” He pinched her other nipple.

Julia bit her lip and struggled to hold in another moan. “N-not fair! Meanie!”

He trailed his fingers from her shoulder, down the dip of her waist and over her hip. “You like it.”

She shivered, wetness spilling from her vulva and down the side of her thigh.

He traced his fingertips over her breasts, her stomach, her ass, her feet.

She gasped and wiggled and shuddered and did her best to stifle moans.

Finally he leaned back and she was both relieved and disappointed.

There were footsteps in the hallway.

Bradley grinned and stepped behind her.

“Wait, the fuck! Bradley! What are you going to do?” she hissed.

He didn’t reply.

There were twin shadows under the door, the feet of the approaching student. The doorknob rattled, but didn’t open. The student knocked.

Bradley traced a fingertip across Julia’s swollen, wet, aching vulva.

“Ah!” She couldn’t hold in the moan of surprised pleasure.

“Oh!” said the student at the door. A young woman from the morning section. “Professor?”

Julia’s mind struggled to surface from the pool of heady pleasure.

“Professor? S-sorry, you’ve left the door locked…”

Bradley circled his fingertip over Julia’s clit. She squinted her eyes shut and bit her lip to hold in the moan. 

Bradley leaned over her ear from behind and whispered, “She’s waiting for an answer…”

“T-terribly sorry Courtney, I’m just a bit t-tied up at the moment…”

Bradley grabbed each of Jula’s ass cheeks in a hand, spreading her open. She knew he was looking at her sopping wet mess of a vulva and that it was making him hard. God, she wanted his dick in her so bad.

“Oh,” Courtney said. “Should I… come back later? I’m just having some trouble with the figures for tomorrow’s problem set…”

Julia took a deep breath and gathered her wits about her, though just barely. “If you could be so kind, please. So sorry for this being awkward, I’ve done a poor job planning for the grant deadline so I’ve locked myself in her until I finish. I’ll be extending all this week’s homework deadlines since I won’t be able to grade anyway. I’d drafted an email but, well, in classic style I’ve just realized I forgot to hit ‘send’.”

“Oh! That’s no trouble at all. So sorry to bother you. See you tomorrow!”

Julia took a breath to answer, but then Bradley’s fingertip pressed between her labia and she gasped.

Courtney fretted at the door a moment longer, then walked away.

Julia turned to frown at Bradley. “Look what you’ve done, you’ve made me disappoint her!”

“What I have done,” he said, “Is saved her from the trauma of walking in on her favorite professor naked. And what I am doing now is collecting my reward.”

He pressed a second finger inside her and it filled her with the most delicious heat.

“O-okay,” she said, “T-that’s a good point…”

Her arousal swelled in anticipation of him getting ready to fuck her properly, but he withdrew again and left her frowning and searching for him.

He came around in front of her, another cruel glint in his eyes and another wicked smile on his pretty lips.

Julia gulped.

First, he shrugged of his cardigan. Then, unbuttoned his oxford one… by one…

Julia trembled, wanting to see him naked already, but knowing that if she protested, he’d go even slower.

His erection throbbed against the front of his khakis, but he didn’t undo his belt yet.

Instead, he left his unbuttoned oxford on his arms and leaned down to untie his left shoe, then his right. Julia had never seen anyone remove their socks so slowly, so alluringly, as Bradley did just then.

Then he stood and put his fingertips to his belt.

She quivered with expectation.

He let her shake for a moment before feeding the loose end through the buckle and slowly pulling the two ends apart. He slipped the belt out of its loops and set it aside.

He rubbed his erection through the front of his khakis, moaning quietly, leting his expression show his pleasure.

Julia shook, forgetting her earlier resolve to not beg. “Please…”

Bradley paused, as she knew he would. “Please, what?”

“I don’t even fucking know, you’re driving me crazy…”

Bradley smiled and laughed. His eyes always looked so kind when he laughed. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she gasped.

“Alright, I’ll show some mercy.” He unbuttoned his pants, stepped out of them and his boxers, and stood before her naked. His shaft was already hard and throbbing.

Even through her haze, Julia knew that it was partly mercy and partly Bradley’s own excitement getting away from him.

But he did not do what she had so desperately hoped and come around to fuck her.

Instead, he looked down at her and started to stroke himself.

Julia whimpered. “Please… Please, fuck me!”

“Not yet,” he said.

“Why?!”

“Because seeing you like this has got me all hot and bothered and I would last about two seconds. And that’s no fun.”

“W-what about my fun?”

He smiled at her, knowingly. “This is your fun. You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

Julia pouted. “I mean, yes, but you don’t have to call me out like that!”

“Yes, I do. It’s part of my fun.” He kneeled next to her and reached around her ass and fingered her again.

She moaned and writhed in pleasure, but it was all too short.

He returned his soaking wet hand to his shaft and started stroking in earnest. He moaned a bit louder.

Every nerve in Julia’s body tingled with heat.

“Fuck, I can’t wait to fuck you like this…” Bradley’s arousal was quickly building, his face overcome with pleasure. “Just seeing you like this is making me… oh fuck, Julia…”

There was another reason that Julia only allowed her students to call her “Professor” or “Doctor”. It was because from the very first time that she had ever heard her name from Bradley’s tongue, from the very first time it had rolled between his lips and come to meet her ear, she had known that she only ever wanted to hear her name in that way, she wanted it to only ever come from him.

Julia trembled desperately. “Bradley, please! Please come on me and fuck me, please—”

Bradley’s eyes rolled back with pleasure, his breathing quickened. “Oh Julia…”

“Yes, please, yes yes, yes!”

With a barely-stifled moan Bradley’s balls spasmed and he pumped rope after rope of cum onto Julia’s breasts.

It was so warm, her skin was so sensitive, her mind was drowning in pleasure, she felt on the edge of climax but there was no release, only growing, swelling, aching, panting urgency.

Even as Bradley’s climax tapered off, he did not soften in the slightest.

He put his hand to her cheek and met her eyes, and she knew. She knew her release was coming. Her body quivered with anticipation.

He wasted no time in coming around behind her, lining his tip up to her swollen, wet entrance and pressing inside.

Julia moaned loudly.

Bradley clamped one hand over her mouth and pressed the other over her pubic mound, fingers curling around to her clit from the front.

And then he fucked her, pulling her down onto himself as he thrust into her, the angle putting his tip right against her G-spot, his fingers running circles over her clit.

Julia could not think, she could only feel. Every nerve in her body was hot, electric sensation. She could have stayed like that forever. Except that she was desperate to come.

And she was so close. A pre-orgasmic wave of pleasure. Her moans deepened. She nodded into Bradley’s hand.

He kept up his exact pace.

She slowly approached the edge. She was breathing so quickly. There was so much of Bradley’s skin against her skin. If it had been up to her, she would have been far over the edge, but as it were she could only surrender to Bradley’s ministrations.

And it was this perfect, slow, incredible explosion.

The heat blossomed and every muscle in her body contracted together, the muscles of her sex squeezing around his shaft, the electric tingle of the restraints digging deeper, air forced out of her lungs, throat tight and shaping it into a scream. Bradley’s hand over her mouth made it quieter, but not by much.

Then a second clear wave. Then a third.

And then as the contractions of pleasure continued, her body started to relax. First her throat, so that her screams became moans. Then her arms, and her legs, and her ass, melting into Bradley’s embrace. For a minute or more, the contracts of her climax pulsed through her body.

It was not just the anticipation of the past fifteen minutes that flowed out of her, but also the stress of the grant writing, the tension of the week. It all drained and drained and drained until she was completely relaxed and utterly content.

Bradley wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, then brushed her hair back from his face.

He was still inside of her. He hadn’t climaxed again, but he was relaxing with her. His shaft throbbed as it softened, and she loved that feeling.

He nuzzled his cheek into the back of her neck. “God, I love it when you come when I’m inside you…”

Julia was too dizzy in the afterglow to form words, so she just nodded.

They fell asleep together there, for some unknown amount of time. Julia really would have to replace the batteries in her clock.

They both stirred and Bradley finally went over to the desk and triggered the release. The fibers went slack around Julia and she was finally able to move again. He helped rub the blood back into her muscles — though he spent a disproportionate amount of time on her ass for obviously selfish reasons — and then they dressed again.

Julia finally checked the clock on her phone. It was evening.

“Better get back to work,” she sighed.

Bradley put his arm around her shoulder, his cardigan soft against her cheek. “Actually, I was thinking,” he said, “that since you ghosted me for lunch, you have no choice but to come get dinner with me.”

Julia took a deep breath and put her phone away. “I’m just worried about the grant.”

He kissed her cheek. “I know. But, love, you’ve been done for days.”

“Are you sure?!”

“I am very sure because you’ve asked me to proof read it eight times.”

“But what if…”

He poked her in the ribs. “Jesus Christ, Julia, I’m an English professor for God’s sake. If I say the paper is good, it’s good.”

Julia rolled her eyes, but snuggled further into him. “Okay, okay. Fine. I guess dinner won’t hurt.”

He kissed the top of her head. “That’s a good girl.”

Julia’s heart fluttered like a crushy school girl as Bradley took her hand and lead her up and out of the basement.

Enjoying these stories? The best way to show it is to share with your friends and buy me a bubble tea! ❤️

Still hungry? You can read more Bite-Sized Stories here, or head over to The Cookie Jar to see everything, including full-length novels.

You can also follow me on Patreon, Twitter, or subscribe to the blog here:

Standard
Part 4: The Convention, The Black Box

Chapter 23: Ask Arya

John was rattling away at the keyboard writing a new scene when he realized that was missing some fundamental mechanics that might be helpful. He pulled out his phone to google it, then realized he was probably better off asking Arya. So, he went and got the headset.

She materialized next to him out of the glowing lights. “What’s up? All hot and bothered after finishing your writing?”

“Actually, I’m not done yet. I just have a sex science question.”

“Ask away.”

“Why does the slow build always feel so… just so much more intense? Isn’t an orgasm an orgasm?”

“Not so, my young Padawan.” John had been watching the Mandalorian with Arya, and she had become curious which had lead to them marathoning all the Star Wars movies, and Arya was now very excited to squeeze in references wherever she could. There were these cringier ones, but she’d also worn Leia’s famous bikini for a bit, so John couldn’t complain. 

Arya put on glasses and a white lab coat over her crop top and mini skirt, and a cartoon chalk board appeared behind her. “First, we have to start with ‘what is an orgasm?’ It’s a question that can fill whole books, but the short of it is, it’s a sudden release of pent-up sexual energy.”

“So the more energy you store up, the more there is to be released?” 

“Exactly! Like drawing a bow or pumping up a water gun.” The corresponding images appeared on the chalk board. 

“Huh, okay. That makes sense. But like how does the energy get… stored up?”

“Well, that’s harder to measure. But, as best as we know, it’s both in your brain and in your body. And not just your genitals. It’s a more holistic experience than a lot of people realize. For example, some people can orgasm just from nipple stimulation, or even just from fantasizing. There’s a rare condition where some people orgasm whenever they sneeze.”

“Whoah, that would be amazing.”

“Not necessarily. Without the build up, there’s not much to release, so it can just feel medical.”

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense.”

“Orgasm and ejaculation are also distinct events. If I induced ejaculation with an electric probe you’d hardly call it an orgasm. And there’s a whole Taoist discipline dedicated to training men how to orgasm without ejaculation. It’s the ejaculation that causes the refractory period, so masters of that discipline can orgasm repeatedly in quick succession.”

“Whoah, really?” John had thought his sex ed had been pretty decent, but… apparently not. Orgasming without ejaculating? How?!

“Yep! I can give you some books to look up later on the topic, if you like.”

“Yes, please. Why wasn’t this in sex ed?!”

“Yes, exactly! The media and mainstream porn are full of sex misinformation, and there’s nothing less sexy than that.” 

“Alright, I think I’m getting the orgasm thing, but there’s one thing I don’t quite get. I know it’s about building up energy, but how come sometimes it feels like I can build up so much by doing so little, and other times I’m really going at it and then my orgasm is just… y’know, good, but not WOW.”

“That’s the time dimension, my dear Watson.” They’d also been watching Sherlock. 

“The time dimension?”

Arya nodded and cleared the chalk board. “This is more metaphor than theory since we don’t know the exact science, but you can think of it like this.”

She drew two lines, one that spiked and fell rapidly, and then one that climbed slowly from the left to the right. 

“This is your stimulation over time. You can think of your accumulated arousal as the area under the curve.” An animation played, and each curve was highlighted a different color.

“Wait, is this sex calculus?”

“Yes! I apologize though, the jokes are a bit derivative.”

John didn’t know what she was getting at.

Arya persisted. “Even so, a strong understanding is integral to a good sex life.”

John looked at her blankly. 

“Integral…” She prompted. “Derivative… no? Aw, okay.”

John shrugged. “Sorry, I didn’t pay much attention in math class.”

“Anyway, if you see the area under these two curves, even though the first one spikes higher, it’s very brief, so the overall area is small. This one never gets as high but the area is much larger, so much more sexual energy is accumulated. So it’s not just about the intensity of the stimulation, but also the duration of the stimulation.”

“That does make sense,” John said, “And I bet the curve for when I went to the convention was… whew.”

“Yep,” Arya said, “That one was pretty high for a loooong time.”

John considered. “And I guess that’s what makes cock cages fun? I didn’t quite understand how you could get so much pleasure from not even getting an erection, but it makes sense now.”

“Exactly! You’re getting it! And on a totally unrelated note… I have a promo code for you.”

John laughed nervously, but the prospect really was thrilling, and very ironically he pleasured himself that night to the thought of his upcoming deprivation. 

Standard