Shorts

Cutie Cumpire and the Subreddit

Jasper had always had trouble getting condoms to stay on, to the point that he doubled up on contraceptives or just avoid PIV entirely. He’d never quite understood why, until his girlfriend Jenny said, “You just cum way more than normal. It’s weird.”

He’d thanked her for the insight and broken up with her shortly thereafter. And then alone on the couch in his little studio apartment, he’d gone down the search engine rabbit hole of ‘How much cum is normal’. After the strangely arousing experience of reading the Ejaculation Wikipedia page and watching a man in a black shirt burst eighteen inches into the air with clinical calmness, it was only another search and a few more clicks before Jasper ended up on r/RedditorCum.

Jasper learned two things in quick succession.

One—he definitely had what Wikipedia had called hyperspermia. A lot of these guys did too if he was eyeballing it correctly, but… he was in a totally different league. No wonder he had issues with condoms. Though Jenny had been a bitch about it, she was right. His cum volume was very, very far from normal.

Two—watching a bunch of dudes shoot their loads all over tables, floors, walls, themselves… it was way hotter than he’d expected. And maybe it was the lack of blood flow to his brain, or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t cum in the week since he’d broken up with Jenny, or maybe it was the sixteen ounces of eight percent craft beer he’d just finished, but… he wanted to post a submission of his own.

Jasper quickly spun up a new account with the username justsumdude because he was too much of a nerd to not reference his math degree in his cumshot handle, and then he went and stood in front of his dining room table with his throbbing dick in one hand and his phone ready to record in the other.

If only his future houseguests knew that he was going to absolutely cover this table in cum. And even though Jasper was normally very polite, even though he would carefully clean the table with both clorox wipes and bleach cleaner, the arousing thrill of embarrassment mixed with eagerness gave him the confidence that he needed to hit record.

Jasper had noticed that the other men on the subreddit didn’t make very much noise and he’d resolved to do the same—when in Rome, after all—but as soon as he pulled his hand down his shaft the first time, that resolve vanished and he moaned. Fuck, he was pent up.

Of course he was. It had been a whole fucking week! And then Jasper realized he was talking out loud and he maybe shouldn’t have drank all of that beer so fast, but fuck it, he could delete the post and the account if he thought better of it in the morning.

“Fuck, it’s been a whole week… I broke up with my girlfriend for a lot of reasons but it was mostly because of how she said it was weird that I cum so much… and honestly I haven’t jacked off all week because I was self-conscious… so y’all will just have to tell me what you think…”

And something about finally voicing that anxiety aloud released it, and also released Jasper’s torrential orgasm. “Oh, fuck!” The first rope landed two feet away from him, as did the second and the third. The fourth and the fifth were closer, and the rest… Jasper lost count of how many and how long, but the puddle of thick white cum under his hand grew and grew.

He didn’t stop stroking or recording because he was still dripping, but his senses returned to him. He was pretty sure that was the hardest he’d ever cum. His whole body tingled, and it would be a while longer before his erection faded.

“So uh… I’m sure I’ll delete this tomorrow, but if you see it before I do… have a good night. Sleep well and uh… all that.” Jasper stopped the recording and before he could think better of it, he uploaded and posted the video.

And though he wanted nothing more than to go collapse into bed, that was not an option quite yet. He had a much bigger mess to clean up than he’d expected.


Jasper awoke to two notifications from Reddit:

u/cutiecumpire69xxx replied to your post in r/RedditorCum 👀 💋 🥵

u/cutiecumpire69xxx followed you

Jasper had opened Reddit to delete the video, but he hadn’t actually expected anyone to comment, let alone follow him. That meant they hoped he’d post more, right?

Unless it was a bot. Jasper clicked through to the user profile, and the wall of images that greeted him bypassed his brain and jump-started his dick.

Pale skin, round breasts, pink nipples. So many shirtless pictures. Jasper scrolled. And ass and thighs and pussy. Conscious thought clawed to the front of his brain and assessed the situation. All the pictures seemed to be of the same woman—same ashy pale skin, same round breasts and plush curves, same collarbone tattoo of a bat. Her face was never in frame, though.

The pictures were posted across a variety of subreddits, all with a caption something along the lines of, show me just how much you’d cum on these cute tits. The photos were not at all professionally staged, and there were no links to an OnlyStans or anything. So the comment wasn’t from a bot or someone marketing their OnlyStans… she was probably a regular person, just like him. And she’d liked his video. And how he was staring at her naked tits.

Jasper felt suddenly like a peeping Tom—despite the fact that this woman had clearly posted these photos of her own volition—when something else in the feed caught his eye.

cutiecumpire69xxx commented on Just need to vent, my asshole coworker keeps calling me ‘mosquito’

Honestly, it’s all bullshit. Even when we’re drinking the leftover cow blood from THEIR obsession with red meat. And if you go the ‘vegan’ route, it’s asshole jocks and slut shaming all the way. Like, just because I literally need cum to survive doesn’t mean I need YOUR cum, you jackass.

Jasper blinked and then opened a new tab and searched for ‘vampire diet semen’. Sure enough, there was a WikiHow, a WebMD page, and a whole slew of listicles.

Jasper had taken a cryptid relations class as an elective in college, so he knew that even though cryptids were now legally recognized and protected and able to live in open society, things were not as sunny as the brochures liked to claim. He knew that vampires mostly fed off leftovers from the meat industry—kosher meateries especially—but he hadn’t known that cum worked just as well for them. And, given the fact that vampires were often slut-shamed for no reason other than being vampires, he certainly couldn’t blame them for keeping it quiet.

Jasper tabbed back over to the thread. He wanted to reply, wanted to say something like, ‘You’re right, it really is all bullshit. I’m sorry people are so shit.’ But then she’d know that he’d gone through her feed, and she’d know exactly what her feed was full of, and… Jasper’s cheeks heated and he closed both tabs.

He wouldn’t record himself again, but… he wouldn’t take the video down, either.


Two days later, Jasper was recording himself again. He was masturbating in the shower and just the memory of the video made his whole body tingle. Imagining what his cum would look like all over the dark tile drained the blood from his brain. The idea of getting his phone out made his balls throb. Pressing the record button set his heart racing. All he wanted was to cum that hard again.

He didn’t talk this time, he just panted and moaned and rode the wave of his arousal. With a hiss of his breath through clenched teeth, Jasper crashed onto the wall of the shower like a wave onto shore, moaning with every pulse of his throbbing cock. The thick white cum slid down the black tile in plump rivulets.

As he slowed, he angled the camera for a close-up of the last few pulses of cum oozing from his slit.

Jasper stopped the recording. With his head still floating and his inhibitions still melted by the flood of endorphins, he posted it.

He felt a little embarrassed as he put his phone away and cleaned his cum off the shower wall. But he could still always delete it later, right? But the really embarrassing thing was… he wasn’t really anxious about the video so much as whether cutiecumpire69xxx would reply.


Continued in Cutie Cumpire and the Sticky Keys

Jasper and Nora were first introduced in the standalone short, Cutie Cumpire Goes to the Movies.

You can find all of the Cutie Cumpire stories at Cutie Cumpire Story Index


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One thought on “Cutie Cumpire and the Subreddit

  1. Pingback: Cutie Cumpire and the Sticky Keys | Bake Cookies, Write Smut

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